Hiding out(Nate)

[Ivanka Udinov]

Have you ever had this feeling that your falling? Ever felt like you were spiraling downward and there was nothing there to catch you when you reached the bottom? Have you ever felt so alone even though you are surrounded by people that know and love you? If you have felt this way then you must know exactly how I feel, only for me i'd imagine myself a whole lot worse.

In my life I had two families, one that deserted me and another that just didnt want me. Both of those families left a scar, one that would never heal but even aftwr all of that, even after they just threw me away like I was nothing, I couldnt bring myself to hate them. They were my family and no matter what, I would always love them and care about them.

It was mid afternoon when I finally crawled out of bed, my room was a wreck, clothes thrown everywhere and my hair...well, it was knotted, messy bed head I thought to myself as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes were proof that I hadnt been sleeping or eating very well in the past couple of days. That and how skinny I appeared were the only two dead giveaways,

Tears still streaked my already soaked face, my blood shot eyes were damp...I looked dreadful.

I frowned a bit, shrugging out of my sweatshirt and flinched at the pain in my arm. I'd almost forgotten about my wounds. The stab wound on my shoulder and the cuts along my arm. All of which would scar once they've healed. I didnt care though, as far as I was concerned I was already scarred for life, a few more scars would make no difference.

It took me all of five minutes to brush out my hair, carefully untangling each strand with my gold hairbrush.

Once my hair was combed and put up in a sloppy ponytail, I walked to my closet, grabbing a striped sweater, quickly pulling it on and then grabbed a pair of dark shorts, stepping into them quickly. Next were my sneakers, I stepped into those and then grabbed my bracelet off the nightstand. It was the bracelet i'd always worn. a gift from my birth mother before she abandoned me. The last thing she ever gave to me. It was of little value but to me, it was priceless.

One final check in the mirror told me that I was ready to leave my room. For the first time in nearly a week, I would be going outside. Not many people knew of the strigoi that had killed my adoptive family, I had requested that it be kept a secret and only be told to the people I know best. My friends. Ethan, who had been the one to save me was the first to know. I knew that Darya was the second one to find out and Nate, I wasnt sure who told him but I was sure he knew by now.

Walking out my room, shutting the door behind me, I walked down the hall, avoided the gaze of anyone and everyone I passed. I couldnt stand them looking at me. It was something I always hated...attention but now it felt worse, like they knew something was wrong. they stared at me like I was the freak in the room, their eyes glued on me...it made me feel worse, it made me feel like a freakshow "what the fuck are you staring at?!" I snapped at one person, shoving her out of my way. I wasnt a violent person but I was angry and when I get angry I tend to snap easily.

I didnt even care when the yougner moroi girl hit a wall head first. If she didnt wanna be hit then she shouldnt have been staring.

I picked up my pace, jogging through the hallways and gaining more attention than before. I was usually so sophisticated and put together...to see me dressed in a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts was a shock to most people.

To be honest, I wasnt sure wher eI was running to but I kept running, my feet pounding against the floor as I ran. My breathing became laboured, heart beat quickening. Was I really this out of shape? No, it wasnt possible. I excercised for a living. I got up early just to get in a good workout before school...then why was I breathing so heavy?

Then I felt it, fresh tears leaking down my cheeks Damn it.... I thought to myself as I came to a stop. I took a moment to look around and realized I was standing in the boys dorms.

I hesitated for a moment, wondering if it would be a good idea to just let myself in his room but I couldnt resist. I didnt want to stay out here any longer than I had to. Slowly I pushed open his door and crept inside, he wasnt here yet "Thank god" I whispered to myself, moving quickly to the far corner of the room.

I sat in the corner, as far up against the wall as possible and brought my knees up to my chest, it was all I could do to keep from falling apart. I felt broken, like I would break to pieces at any given moment and holding my body so tight like this was the only way to prevent it.
I remembered then that when I was little and I was sad, I did the same thing...find a corner, sit down and hug my knees to my chest. It had always helped me but now...now it didnt seem to work. The pain didnt go away, I didnt stop crying, I couldnt stop...how do you stop yourself from hurting when your entire family was killed? How do you stop ourself from falling apart when all that you had in the world, all that you knew was gone?

Notes: dead muse...this is after she was saved from Elijah...Her family got murdered
outfit:clickky